Rrrring.

Seeing the familiar, though fuzzy, numbers on the screen of my phone this early in the morning is never a good sign.

Dad.

I fumble for my glasses and answer the call. Dad’s voice is calm, but distant. Mom had fallen off the bed. Again. In the early stages of dementia himself, I am relieved that he called as soon as he realized the situation was too difficult to handle alone.

Driving home an hour later, the elderly couple safely back in bed – save for some minor bruises on Mom’s left foot-, my own feet still sock-less, it hit me with certainty that my parents are no longer fit to be living alone. Fear for their safety mingles with helplessness as near-dangerous scenes of the past few months flit through my mind. Who knew if the next emergency would end so simply?

We’d tried introducing panic alarm bracelets, video monitors around the house, and a walker for mom, who struggles to maintain her balance. Our parents’ reaction was vocal protests and hurt feelings, their illogical reasoning mirroring clouded eyes.

As their children, our eyes, too, blurred with tears. Was it possible for us to ensure that our beloved parents – who had kept us warm and safe as we matured – feel safe and respected in their old age?

The Safety vs. Sensitivity Challenge

Human beings naturally resist change. This resistance is increased exponentially when the change involves letting go of one’s independence. Thus, lifestyle changes viewed by children or caregivers as helpful often force the elderly person to face their stare weakness, dependency, and vulnerability.
 Still, safety must remain a priority.

–       Is driving a car or mowing the lawn still safe?

–       Should financial transactions be reviewed prior to processing?

–       Can sealed jars and other products around the house be opened easily?

If the answer to any of these questions is ‘no’, it may be time to implement safety procedures. However, remaining sensitive to the ramifications on the self-esteem of the elderly individual coming to terms with the extent of his or her limitations is equally important.

Dignified Balance

Here are some tips that can help increase elderly parents’ sense of individuality and independence. Keeping these in mind while carrying out safety measures with discretion and sensitivity can help keep the atmosphere respectful and balanced.

–                     Rather than stopping them from activities they enjoy, try to increase safety or boundaries while executing them.

Mom enjoys cooking, but you are worried about her nipping her fingers or getting burned. Schedule a cooking date and spend the afternoon side by side; you execute the delicate tasks and keep an eye on the situation as she cooks.

–       Keep the individual fully part of the conversation at medical appointments or decisions regarding care.

Address simple, easy to answer questions to them during the talks, and maintain eye contact when you address the group.

–                     Do not allow arguments to continue, even when they are being unrealistic or illogical.

The conversation is not heading in the right direction, with the individual showing signs of rebellion and/or distress. Distract them by changing the subject and try again if a more opportune time arises.

–                     Share memories of vibrant times gone by.

It’s been a tough morning, with Dad insisting he can drive to the out-of-town wedding that evening. Reviewing the albums with photos of when Mom and himself were younger may lift his spirits and lower defenses.

–                     Non-obvious supervision and assistance.

Schedule visiting-with-the-kids day when Mom returns from the supermarket. Tightly sealed jars and heavy items can be unobtrusively opened and stored in accessible areas.

–                     Fill their days with purpose.

There is a vocational or volunteer group offering an activity the individual may enjoy. Encourage attendance by offering them different timing options, transportation assistance or to accompany them.

Preserving the Respect

Being seen as a human being, although with limitations, is in the details. Here are some tips to keep in mind while assisting an aging loved one.

–       Make sure they are addressed respectfully (avoid first names if they perceive that as irreverent) by everyone who assists them.

–       Use respectful terms for humiliating needs, like underwear or pad as opposed to diaper.

–       Ensure that private areas are covered when assisting with bathing.

–       Have them choose whatever they still can, like food and clothing.

Ensuring Safety, Maintaining Caregiver Support:

As a caregiver, you are likely expending superhuman effort to assist your loved one in all situations. Take note of the below to help reserve your physical and emotional energy.

–                     You cannot take responsibility for their refusal.

After doing your best to implement safety precautions, don’t beat yourself up if something goes wrong. There is no way to ensure elderly loved ones are 100% safe, 100% of the time.

–       Choose your battles, with safety taking priority.
 Rather than always fighting about safety and other changes, decide what issues are the most important and focus on these. Your ideas and concerns are more likely to be taken seriously if you aren’t constantly breathing down their back.

Being a caregiver can easily become frustrating, fearful, and anxiety ridden. Because of – not despite – your care for aging parents, grandparents, or clients, find activities to help yourself release negative emotion. Ultimately, a calm, peaceful environment is an investment in everyone’s wellbeing.