Mom’s health decline may have come as a sudden, unexpected shock. Or, the niggling signs have been there for a while now. In either case, it’s obvious that even with the assistance of family and at-home caregivers, she can no longer care for herself. It is time to explore the long-term care options.

The emotions that come along with such a decision are diverse, and whether you are experiencing overwhelming guilt, grief, or relief, it is perfectly normal. For her part, Mom may have strong opinions about her care, be passive about the situation, hurt that her children cannot care for her, or cognitively unable to be part of such a huge decision.

With the unique factors of what this stage looks like for your loved one and yourself in mind, here are some important questions to ask yourself and tips to consider as you set out to place your loved one in the best possible care option.

Is everyone aligned with this decision?

What level of care does Mom require?

Researching and choosing the right facility.

Does this align with Mom’s personal preferences?

What does the financial landscape look like? 

Is everyone aligned with this decision?

Think of three elderly individuals you know. They may be your parents, grandparents, neighbors or other relatives and friends. What does their relationship with technology look like?

Grandpa bangs away at the proudly preserved typewriter in his living room, resisting all contact with the newfangled devices his children and grandchildren are obsessed with. No weekend meetings with the grandkids on zoom and no online ordering when the ache in his back acts up. Max and Martha help with the finances and the family does their best to visit and keep his loneliness at bay.

Elderly Lynn next door, on the other hand, has embraced online banking, shopping, candy crush competitions, and videoconferencing with her children living overseas. She even took advantage of her earlier senior years to hire a teacher and learn how to navigate these software and devices. She enjoys the independence and camaraderie that is now hers, as she maintains control over her personal finances and remains in touch with family and friends.

Practical Limitations//Seniors and Software

Rrrring.

Seeing the familiar, though fuzzy, numbers on the screen of my phone this early in the morning is never a good sign.

Dad.

I fumble for my glasses and answer the call. Dad’s voice is calm, but distant. Mom had fallen off the bed. Again. In the early stages of dementia himself, I am relieved that he called as soon as he realized the situation was too difficult to handle alone.

Driving home an hour later, the elderly couple safely back in bed – save for some minor bruises on Mom’s left foot-, my own feet still sock-less, it hit me with certainty that my parents are no longer fit to be living alone. Fear for their safety mingles with helplessness as near-dangerous scenes of the past few months flit through my mind. Who knew if the next emergency would end so simply?

We’d tried introducing panic alarm bracelets, video monitors around the house, and a walker for mom, who struggles to maintain her balance. Our parents’ reaction was vocal protests and hurt feelings, their illogical reasoning mirroring clouded eyes.

As their children, our eyes, too, blurred with tears. Was it possible for us to ensure that our beloved parents – who had kept us warm and safe as we matured – feel safe and respected in their old age?

The Safety vs. Sensitivity Challenge

Your loved one is aging and requires assistance with daily living. Thankfully, he or she is eligible for government assistance for a caregiver. Still, you wonder, who could possibly be trusted with the physical care, emotional dignity, and financial responsibilities of your family member?

What if they won’t understand her agitation when someone wears a green sweater, which reminds her of great-aunt Tracy?

How will she get accustomed to being served her nighttime tea, deeply steeped yet lukewarm, by a stranger?

You wish it could be one of you, a loving member of the family. Still, each of you has a job to maintain, and a family to sustain, and becoming a full-time caregiver is not a viable option.

Nothing Like Family

By now, programs in many states allow for family members to receive compensation as the caregiver of qualifying loved ones facing old age. You may no longer have to choose between salary and family.[1] 

According to the National Family Caregivers Association, over 50 million Americans provide care to family members in some way, comprising 80 percent of all home care services. The value of this care is estimated at more than $306 billion per year.

Family Member as the Hired Caregiver//The Upside